consent

i watched her collapse

stared at the pink salmon color of her upper lip as she rolled on her back

and felt myself breathe slowly, unsure of what to do

she made herself feel like this, all on her own

but i understand

feeling my back strain, pumping my legs

the cold tap of the baton in my hand

feeling present in that moment

being conscious of

everything around me

yet being numbed

by the wind

the cold wearing three layers

looking laughing yelling

shaking her head

no, no i can’t do this she whispers on the track

yes yes you can

prove them wrong do it

screaming at her to do well since i couldn’t

pressing pressing the spike on my finger

watching the blood spurt out

like in a horror movie

thinking of those times he used to see me

and just me in the dark

near the lake looking at each other

i can’t do this i’m so uncomfortable he said

me being innocent i said we’ll work on it

prove them wrong do it

he believed me

and i believed myself

never doubting

that i would fail

but it seems i did

as always

now he treats me as everyone else does

interesting for a moment

but then they find something or someone else more interesting

looking at those lights now and thinking of those paintings

the music the chalk painting

running running away from it all

my heart bursting with the dim lighting over the happy place

and on the faces filled with content

accepting the happiness that they felt

its okay, its okay to feel like this

to feel like i need a break they think

right now

i do not

feel this way

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