rise

my neck aches again today

but i have no imagery to compare it to tonight

i am simply a girl

trying to make it again and again

wishing there was some other way

to become a different person

i feel i am the only one in this darkness

tracing my fingernail against painted hearts

i think, inside i knew

that it wasn’t going to work out

work out the worked out work

but outing the outed makes my head whirl

and fizz

i suppose it’s a good thing

to help me learn my place

but sometimes i feel it is unnecessary cotton

disguised as silk

not all that glitters is gold

but unfortunately

how would i know what glitters

when all i see

is darkness

closure

i feel

empty

my tongue

numb and useless

sitting and creating my television world

and i am lost in the salt and pepper static, feeding my meat

to the young ones

in an attempt to connect in any sort of way

my wails echoing in the dark cathedral

feeling a chill in a place

i should feel safe in

angry with myself, angry with the world

that it should not stoop to drink water elegantly

slithering under their feet

i found today

she has truly left me

and while i am glad to be rid of her

for some reason, some little part of me

is disgusted at her for being so cruel

as if i am the only one justified to be angry

i know

i am wrong

i like to think i am right but i suppose

my red haired fox shakes his head, waiting for another day

to come running headfirst like a bull

only to have the beautiful garment snatched away

by my raven haired matador

olé, olé, they say

olé to lay today of all days

i suppose in some way

i have gained

closure

even if it was not brought about

in the way i wanted it to

but then again

what is

spectrum

i think

i see the world differently

than most people my age

not that my way is perhaps

better

but simply unusual and

divergent than most views

i try to see the good in others first

but those around me point out faults

faults that i choose to ignore

seeing faces light up when

you tell them your favorite thing about them

the wrinkles in the corners of the eyes when you laugh

your inability to hide your emotions

how you get so excited when you see a dog

how you put the milk before your cereal

and how i tease you mercilessly about it

but you put up with it

even when every day

i am negative

i am tired and cranky

and never know what to do

you see the good in me

hopefully, you see the girl

you first met

you first hated

you first loved

in the larger scheme of things,

i think the way your eyes change from blue to green

depending on the sunset

is a home to go back to

or the way you hold my hand-

i had never liked my small hands or feet

until then-

i’m not particularly special

but for some reason

you set me apart from others

the red tulip in a field of yellow

perhaps not ugly

but just

different

 

 

 

simplicity

god i wish i could hug him

that’s all

wrap my arms around his neck

and just keep him there

for two minutes

and dream of sunflowers

and soft bedspreads

and natural light

not having to try so hard

and failing to meet their expectations

sweating and working all hours for them

only to be disrespected and ostracized

when asking for one thing

stepping on moss

near a quiet waterfall

and seeing the stream shimmer

with the glossy reflections

of dense palm trees and burgundy bark

laying my head down

on a cloud

feeling the pain in my neck evaporate into

utter bliss

i dreamed last night i was slow dancing

cheek to cheek, wearing a pretty dress

hands around my waist

as all dances go

it wasn’t any sort of real dance

but it felt like it to me

feeling sort of nice

for the first time in a while

waking up and

desperately trying to cling to the whispers

that being the only way

i can get close

without getting caught

 

wipeout

watching clouds rise from my drink

skimming across the surface

surface tension in the cup and in my head

swirling and twirling in undeterminable directions

sort of like my emotions

in a darkly humorous kind of way

i see in her

what i used to love

cracking my knuckles

around empty air

again

i see the good in her first

my heart clicks to it

like a magnet

closing my eyes

my hands shiny with sweat

knowing that flower will only bloom

for a day or so more

how i wished today

i could have taken the left fork in the road

seeing how beat up i am

sitting in my own pit of

self destruction

sighing with content when

i managed to find some form of balance

on my tightrope

drawing on the glass with my finger

for nearly 15 minutes

feeling my bare shoulder

leaning against the cold tile wall

spreading my hand and swiping off

all of my thoughts

allowing for a clean slate

which i wish i could do

in real life

moving, moving

getting headaches

the ebb and flow

of the people

around me

saying

goodbye

to people i have just

said hello to

 

laughingstock

past friendships

forgotten feelings

now just giggling childishly

at their life now

perhaps i should feel sorry for her

but how can i, when she left me?

simply watching black hair

flick in the corner of my eye

distant shouts, akin to my memory

replacing me

turning, turning away

to face the sun

instead of standing in a lightning storm

with a broken umbrella

like i had so many months before

the light had always been behind me but

i was too afraid to go to it

perhaps i have lost some of the benefits of that friendship but

i know this is best for me

looking around

looking ahead

feeling the nudge of softer petals in my fingers wherever i go

jarringly different than

the thorns and prickly succulents that had once made my hands bleed

but just enough for me to think

that i could tolerate the pain

yes, perhaps some of those flowers are wilted and brown

but at least

i can rejuvenate and enjoy

their beauty by myself

and create natural, pure happiness

all on my own

fascination

it rained today

heavy and uncontrollable

with sharp lightning strikes

the sky is never truly black

but often a light grey

with a hint of pink

i succumbed to the darkness though

pressing my lips to the cool windowpane

leaving clear chapstick kisses on it

like i did with him

pushing in to the glass to get as close

to this danger as i could

i saw the rain under the lamppost

sheet after sheet

playing its orchestrated symphony

that lulled me, nursed my love

made me feel smart

made me feel worthy

like i needed to be in this world

many here treat me like i’m stupid

mentally slow or dumb

and i believe them

feeling heavy, dropping my chin to my chest

some days

never doing enough for people

letting gravity suck me to the floor

covering my face with my hands

smelling of cheap soap or lavender

and lost friendships

feeling empty

some days

looking at them

toss their shiny hair

without thought

being pretty

without trying

saying we’re insecure too

but less so than me

not knowing possible differences and difficulties

my lips parting breath fogging on the glass

blurring my view of the outside world

to a colorful mist staying looking up

not seeing the rain coming down but landing

puddles soaking my feet feeling safe in the middle of nowhere

making me

at home

comfort

“red sky at night, sailor’s delight,

red sky at morning, sailors take warning”

i felt myself

coasting

so close i could reach down and touch the road

with my fingertips

looking back with strained throat

seeing the dull sky coated with gray ash

making my chest clogged with wet fumes

remembering the morning

that, after my initial grogginess,

i saw sweet candy beauty through my sleep-hazed state

i encounter a whole world through

just one window

the ever changing weather is just

chapters in a book

the pink skies were just a warning

of what was going to happen

coming home and looking

for my love

but knowing

i will never see

an identical sunrise like the one i saw today

again

suckling on the hard sugar

to dissolve

on my tongue

consent

i watched her collapse

stared at the pink salmon color of her upper lip as she rolled on her back

and felt myself breathe slowly, unsure of what to do

she made herself feel like this, all on her own

but i understand

feeling my back strain, pumping my legs

the cold tap of the baton in my hand

feeling present in that moment

being conscious of

everything around me

yet being numbed

by the wind

the cold wearing three layers

looking laughing yelling

shaking her head

no, no i can’t do this she whispers on the track

yes yes you can

prove them wrong do it

screaming at her to do well since i couldn’t

pressing pressing the spike on my finger

watching the blood spurt out

like in a horror movie

thinking of those times he used to see me

and just me in the dark

near the lake looking at each other

i can’t do this i’m so uncomfortable he said

me being innocent i said we’ll work on it

prove them wrong do it

he believed me

and i believed myself

never doubting

that i would fail

but it seems i did

as always

now he treats me as everyone else does

interesting for a moment

but then they find something or someone else more interesting

looking at those lights now and thinking of those paintings

the music the chalk painting

running running away from it all

my heart bursting with the dim lighting over the happy place

and on the faces filled with content

accepting the happiness that they felt

its okay, its okay to feel like this

to feel like i need a break they think

right now

i do not

feel this way

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